Aisley's Story
Aisley Jo - 01.27.2019
2018 was a big year. I married the love of my life, Klayton, in October; with that, my 9 year old son and I gained an amazing family. Right away, my husband and I discussed growing our family, we both agreed that we wanted to do that, and being in our late 30's, we should go ahead and try. By the first of November 2018, we were elated to see those two little pink lines show up on a pregnancy test. We were over the moon with excitement and in a little bit of shock. I was sick, all day, every day. And somehow, from the moment we found out, I just knew we were having a girl. And that was confirmed at 12 weeks with ultrasound and genetic testing that all came back perfect, we were having a little girl. All the aunts were buying all the things. Her little room was underway. Big brother was learning how to braid so he could fix sissy's hair. And though I was sick and overall not feeling well pretty much 24/7, my bones ached from head to toe which I chalked up to being 36 and pregnant, I was finally relishing in all the endless little girl shopping options. We announced we were pregnant and revealed it was a girl on January 4th, 2019. It was so amazing to see all the excitement, love, and support from family and friends.
The week of January 21st, I began to feel worse. During this same week, I also began to feel the little "flutters” of movement for the first time, still yet, having a doppler at home, i checked for baby girls heart beat many times a day, always finding it, running in high 150's with no problem. However, my coworkers were beginning to notice that something was not right. I started hurting, so I went to see my Dr. on that Thursday, January 24th. He immediately did an ultrasound and we all laughed as we seen baby girl relaxing with her arms crossed behind her head, and the Dr saying "she looks great Haley, you're good"... He also "checked me" at that time, which I know, is not comfortable for anyone, but this was different, it was a different kind of pain. But, even that exam, was normal. Not dilated, no fluid leaking, nothing like that. I made my way back to work, where the pain grew more intense, and I went to the bathroom to find blood, everywhere. I called for my coworkers and longtime friend, Valerie, and she came and helped me, also urging me that this was not ok, and to call my Dr back. I knew if Val was concerned, I should be concerned. I called my Dr's office and was told that could all be normal following an exam, and honestly, at 16 weeks an ultrasound and doppler check was all they could do. And her heart rate remained great. I went home and rested that evening and all day Friday, Friday night the pain coming back, more intense, but subsiding with rest. I rested mostly Saturday, felt a little better, but then around 7pm the intense pain came back, letting up, then coming back with vengeance, with no means of alleviating it. When I had my son 10 years ago, I had an emergency C-section, so I had no idea I was contracting and in labor. Very quickly, my husband decided we were going to the ER (thank God) and by this time the pain was so intense I can remember him putting my shoes on me. We called Papa Jay (of course, who else!?) to come stay with Lawson and by 10:30PM we were headed to the ER. Again checking her heartrate before leaving, and still, high 150's. My husband drove us to OKC in record time and somehow, while scared to death himself, remained so very helpful and loving to me as I basically climbed the roof of the truck in pain. I have a somewhat high pain tolerance, like, if I start saying something hurts, it has gotten to the point most people would have already went to the Dr... and this - this was easily the worst physical pain I ever felt in my life, as my body fought to hold on to our baby, and let go at the same time.
We got to the Mercy ER, immediately roomed, given pain medicine. And no faster than I could lay down, at about 12am, and the Dr. barely even touching me, there was a gush, and our baby girl entered and left the world in the same moment. I had my eyes fixed on my sweet husband as his shoulders dropped and head instinctively fell back at what he had just witnessed. I just started yelling, crying out, begging God, and saying "nooooo, please God no" over and over. Something that will haunt me forever, is the look on that ER Dr's face, bless his heart, it was like every bit of medical knowledge and experience just left him, petrified, sad, confused, so very sorry, all in one look - he was genuinely at a loss for words. The ER nurses were turning their heads between words spoken to me, because they were crying. And I wanted to know why they weren't working on her, because I thought she should have a chance to try to make it. Isn't that a Momma for you, at 16 weeks gestation, 6 inches long and weighing 3 ounces, I believed in my daughter. I asked to call one of my best friends, Jacklyn, a labor and delivery nurse, because I honestly thought she could save her. And as professional and wise as she is, and that saving her was beyond all logic and earthly possibilities, I know with all my heart, she dang sure would have tried. Looking back now, because I love Jacklyn so much, I am so glad she did not answer.
After the whirlwind of all that had just happened, we were taken up to labor and delivery, because just like when a full term baby is born, there were other things my body needed to do. Luckily, I had an angel of a nurse that night. And she walked and talked me through and literally held me through those hard things. A defining moment for me, was, at some point, I sat in the hospital room bathroom floor, in the dark, wrecked with sadness, numb, yet somehow feeling everything. And my nurse came back in, left the light off, let out a tender gasp, and crawled onto that floor with me. She kept saying "Haley please tell me what I can do for you?"... Honestly I felt like I could not breathe, and - I didn't want to. Much less speak. And I just simply said "I...just feel...so...sad"... and this woman sat there and cried with me. It was a great example of compassion, strength, courage, and love. And as a woman, everything I needed to be for my family, myself, and that I'd hoped my daughter would have grown up to have.
Soon after the sun rose, my best friend Jennifer came to the hospital, no words spoken, and just crawled into the hospital bed with me. We all shed alot of tears. And after being presented with "options" for the body of our daughter, we decided to take her home with us, knowing without even having to say it, that she would be laid to rest under "our tree" where we got married. Klayton left my side only briefly to go buy me clean clothes to change into. And again I reached out to Jacklyn, and she spoke with me about her suggestions to me for my daughter. Hold her. Kiss her. Name her. So I decided that is what I wanted to do, although through the night I wasn't sure, and I just simply asked for them to get pictures of her feet and hands.. Jennifer called the nurse and asked them to bring our baby to us. And they did. In a little white basket, laying on a satin pillow, wearing a white satin angel dress, laid our perfect, tiny, girl. One would think that once the heart is broken, it couldn't just continue to shatter. Well, it can. Here was this little person, that only lived while safely inside me, who's life ended as soon as she left my body and met the earths air, that very clearly, looked just like her Daddy. Her whole hand was the size of a thumb nail. Fingers the size of grains of rice. I'd never in my life seen anything like her. Just the week before, we, well "I" had my heart set on a name for her, the whole time Klayton not really loving what I had picked and he'd say "it'll just come to us".. and now, the name I had picked, it just didn't fit. Being a small details person, I wanted her to have a name that meant something, so I googled baby girl names and only looked at the meaning out to the side. Within minutes while going down a list I seen "little girl who dwells under the tree".... it was the meaning of the name Aisley. And so there we had a name for our girl, Aisley Jo.
We finished up and finalized things at the hospital. Something I will always remember, is sitting in the hospital room, before we left, everything soaked in tears, ratted hair, zero makeup, eyes swollen nearly shut, and catching my husband looking at me, I looked at him and said 'what?..' and he just says "you are SO beautiful." I can't even. And with Klayton carrying our little girl out in a tiny white box under his arm, we left to take her home. I'll never forget walking down the hall of the hospital feeling like I was living some sort of bad dream, in slow motion, and as we walked by the nurses station, there was a little girl, maybe 2 years old, there visiting her Momma, and as we walked by, in her teeny voice I heard her say "I love you Mommy.." and it was seriously like a dagger to the heart. There was no, "going home outfit" used, though we already had 10 of them, no car seat loaded, no crying baby in our back seat on the way home. Just my husband and I, and a little white box that now forever holds a chunk of our hearts.
We got home, and Klayton laid our baby girl, Aisley Jo French, to rest under the tree where we were married just 4 months before. He had carefully "fixed up" her little white box, covering and protecting it with her little blankets, and then tying it with a bow. My heart breaks thinking of him out there doing that by himself, but he wanted to do it, and now I am so glad he got to have that intimate, time alone, with his little girl.
The hours and days following, were the toughest. Lawson cried. He asked tough questions. Klayton and I forged our way through by means of alot of holding each other, crying, and telling each other how we were feeling and sharing our thoughts. I believe that was crucial. The nights we long. I'd wake in the night and just weep. I couldn't turn it off. The whole house was covered in moments of Aisley. The bathroom - where I was sick in early pregnancy. The jar of jalapenos that I craved. The bedroom that held her things, that she would never use. I constantly felt this overwhelming sense of longing and confusion - every second I felt like I was forgetting soemthing or something was missing. It was her. As I had just had a baby - and she was not WITH me. She was JUST there, now gone. And I couldn't check on her, take care of her. It is the most unnatural feeling I have ever felt. During those first few days, Klayton and I both said "never again..we will NEVER go through this again." It did not take long for that feeling to change. Our hearts were broken, life forever changed, but things also seemed to be sprinkled with more beauty, and hope. And during this time my best friends rallied for us, loved and supported us like nothing I have ever seen. Klayton's family, my sister in laws cried with us, loved on us, Lindsey showed up with every snack imagineable, funny movies, they all took turns taking off work to stay with us, left grocery sacks on our porch full of my personal favorite foods, took Lawson for playdates, Klayton's coworkers sent beautiful flowers, my employer and coworkers urged me to take time to heal and checked on me constantly. Sara and Kera had jewelry made for me, personalized with Aisley details.. And the beautiful memorial/headstone my sister and brother in law had made to honor our baby - oh my goodness, For all these gestures, we are forever thankful, we will never forget it, and played an intrigal part in our grieving process.
After all of this, came some health related answers and medical diagnoses for me. Unfortunately, that are not discovered until after something like this happens. As we navigated through grief, we also got encouragement and advice from various doctors, and knew that we would allow ourselves to try again. I thought about how if Aisley would have grown up, had this very thing happen to her, what would my advice be to her? What do I constantly preach to Lawson? Don't give up. So through my personal, immense, shame, and guilt (which is exactly what nearly all Momma's feel after loss)knowing the risks, which are high, but with a plan in place for "next time" I opened my bruised heart to the possibility of getting pregnant again. And on Mother's day of this year, 3.5 months after we lost our girl, we again, seen those two pink lines. And as sure as I was Aisley was a girl from the start, I felt just as sure that this baby would be a boy, which has now been confirmed many times over. We are quickly approaching our 7th month of pregnancy with our son, Kannon Creed. I am not going to lie, it has been tough, emotionally. I still wake in the night and cry. I have my days that are all consumed with hurt over Aisley. I have not been able to start Kannon's nursery - because I refuse to remove her things.. It was not until yesterday evening, when another best friend, Andrea (man I have the BEST friends) came out to our house and took pictures of me, pregnant with baby Kannon, and Lawson running around, out by "our tree" that I really felt that huge guard that has been up start lifting. And more peace than anxiety. Maybe because all my babies were right there by me, I don't know... Our hearts are forever wounded. But Lawson and now Kannon bandage those wounds. Lawson knows about his little sister and he misses her, he visits her often, and Kannon will know about her as well. I just never want anyone to forget her.
Since losing AJ, so many have reached out and shared their heart wrenching stories with me. I mean several. And out of the several, only one has ever descibed their loss as "not a big deal.. and you can have another one" (BTW don't say that... just don't) Someone that I love so much, probably one of the most beautiful women inside and out,that I have ever met, had SIX miscarriages before successfully carrying her two daughters. In the last six months a friend of mine lost a baby at 12 weeks, and another has lost two babies at 10 and 12 weeks. It is very much a big deal. And, the more knowledge I gain, no, not everyone does get their rainbow after the storm. The best advice I can give is if you don't know what to say, just let a mother/father of loss know you are thinking of them and ask if there is anything that they need.
And maybe you are reading this newly grieving, my words to you would be that you are not alone, your pain and hurt is valid, warranted and to not give up. Whatever that may mean for you. It may start with being able to look at a jar of jalapenos without crying. It may be getting out of bed when you don't want to. But please, don't give up. Let a beautiful life, no matter how long it lasted, make yours more beautiful. That is how your baby gets to live on. Let people love you, hold your spouse, feel the laughter deeper, eat the cake. Find physical objects that can remind you of your baby. Ours, the sunflower, another one of my best friends, Sara, gave me that symbol many years ago when I was in a hard time and she seen one single, bright yellow, sunflower, in an open field of dead weeds, during WINTER, and she sent me a picture of it and told me "that's you, still alive".. When we lost AJ, I immediately thought of the sunflower. And seeing pink sunsets and sunrises remind me of her too.
As harsh as it sounds, babies, they die. During pregnancy, 8wks, 12, 16, 41weeks, an hour before birth, during birth, 2 days after birth. It is a real thing that happens. No one wants to talk about it out loud, further adding to the guilt and shame that I mentioned. And as real as those facts are, so is the fact that when they die, we have to do the best we can through broken hearts, shattered hopes, and a lifetime of wondering who they may have been, to live without them.
For me and my family, that is what we will do, LIVE. We won't give up. And hopefully see as many sunflowers and pink sunsets one lifetime can hold until we see our girl again.